Monday was a big day! Well, at least for this mama! I was finally discharged from the hospital and was able to go to my house, put on actual clothes that made me feel human…and then pack a bag for Idaho Falls!
Because the Hospital where we live doesn’t have a NICU equipped for micro-preemie babies, they had to do an emergency transport to Idaho Falls , where she is going to be for the next three months. I will be at my parents house there for a week or two, until I’m recovered, and then we are hoping to go home to Rexburg, to give Jackson some normalcy.
Speaking of Jackson, he has been such a trooper! He has been going back and forth between Grandma Goodsell and Grandma Lords for days now! And there has only been like two or three “I’m done with this nonsense” tantrums from that little guy. I can’t wait to get him back to a normal routine, maybe even get him playing with some kids his age, to let him relax and have fun. For right now, however, he seems to be doing better than I had been expecting!
So, back to Monday! Monday I finally got to see Jackson outside of the hospital setting, so he wasn’t so freaked out by his mama. The problem we are having right now, is he wants me to pick him up and carry him. While the doctor told me I could, it hurts really badly so I am not doing that right now, which sometimes really frustrates him, and me. Thankfully he is surrounded by other people who can pick him up and hug him when I can’t.
Monday night, I also got to meet my sweet Hailey for the first time. It was an extremely emotional thing for me to see this little one pound, seven ounce baby laying in an incubator. Walking in to go meet her, I was already really nervous. Add the fact that it was freezing outside, and for whatever reason (I think it was fear combined with pain) I couldn’t quit shivering.
Once we made it into the building, and into her room I broke down and couldn’t not cry. It hurt so badly to see this teeny tiny little girl, hooked up to breathing tubes, feeding tubes, I.V.’s oxygen monitors, temperature monitors, everything. I knew that it would be emotional, but I was not expecting that much pain.
Dealing with the mom guilt has been the hardest. The first time I walked into that room, I couldnt believe that she was mine, I felt deep emotional pain, and I felt a deep sense of responsibility for this happening. It’s something that I’m dealing with still, and probably will for a while.
One of her doctors was there, and patted my shoulders, and she and the nurse calmly explained all the tubes and wires, and her condition. She showed me the feeding tubes, the cute little teddy bear shaped oxygen monitor, and she showed me how to tell if she is stressing out. They offered to allow me to change her, take her temperature, etc. But I didn’t want to hurt her.
That night she had a wonderful night. She was happy, seemed as comfortable as you could be in that situatuon, and was just sleeping peacefully.
Tuesday Morning, my hubby was gone, so my dad and I went to the hospital to check on her. We just so happened to get there right as the doctors were doing their rounds. I knew that the doctors did rounds, but what I didn’t realize was that it involved over a dozen people to be in my little girl’s hospital room. I walked in, and my dad wasn’t phased at all by all these people. Well, I, this crazy, hormonal mama, had no clue why there were so many people.
I already suffer from anxiety, so seeing all those people really freaked me out. But what freaked me out the most was I thought something was wrong, and that’s why there were so many people there.
Some extremely kind nurses were able to sit me down outside of the room, and I was able to talk to my friend Elisabeth’s mom, who is a nurse at the NICU. Even though she didn’t know me hardly at all, the familiarity helped so, so much. Just feeling like I knew one person there helps to calm my nerves.
When my dad and I finally got into Hailey’s room, she was a little restless. She showed us her personality a little bit too! She hates the tubes that goes down her throat, and, understandably, any kind of over stimulation, and she just screams. She doesn’t make sound, but she scrunched her face up and you know she would be screaming if she could.
She had also started to open her tiny eyes a little bit!! It’s so uplifting to Jon and I as parents to see her look in the direction of our voices. She has also gained five ounces! That doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s pretty great to see her grow and develop. She is looking more and more like her daddy every day. Just in 5 days she already looks more baby like, and less alien.
While we have gotten some great news, and seen so much progress, we also learned that when she was born, they had to do compressions on her for five minutes, and give her medicine to start her heart. Of course Jon and I were shocked at that information, but also all the more grateful that she was born when she was, otherwise it would have been too late.
While she has had some really great days, we also know that she will have some bad days. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, or send out positive vibes to the universe. We love this babe with all out hearts! And we can’t wait to see how she grows and develops, and to get to know her more!
I will keep blogging, to keep everyone updated on everything!